A Picture Is Not Always Worth a Thousand Words

I put all the pictures of us away when he cheated, every single one. And to this day, I don't feel like pulling them back out... ever.

Each photo seemed like such a lie. The faces looking back made me sad. I don’t understand how you can treat another human being like this, much less the one person you swore to love and protect.

He’s been back since September. There’s not much to say. We’ve had only 1 fight since he’s been back so you would think things were okay. We joke and get by daily. He does not know me anymore. I choose who does.

The truth is, I will never stop questioning in my mind what made him cheat and lie while looking straight into my eyes. I don’t know if forgiveness will ever come even though he thinks I have forgiven him. I don’t get how he could leave his family. I think I do well to hide all emotion and feeling from him. I am a very outgoing person who’s always ready for a good time. I am committed to my family and friends. So day-by-day, we pretend like nothing happened. But everyday I am reminded in some way that it did. IT DID.

I thought that when he came back we would somehow fall back in love. He says he’s in love with me. A part of me died. I am not in love with him and I battle feelings of guilt and shame and don't even know why. I feel tainted. I feel numbness towards him and this marriage.

So what happens? Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the person I used to be with him or anyone else. I will continue to play the game until the “game of pretending” is over OR true forgiveness comes first and sadly, I can’t see how time helps this happen.

I think the reason I blog and I have kept it under wraps for so long is nobody can really hurt me here unless I say they can. I can choose what comments to leave up or delete. I choose whom to tell about this place. On the lighter side, I truly crack myself up and love to laugh. This is the place I go to do that. The one place he can’t ruin. I can be stupid if I want to and post pictures of arrows pointing to the wrinkle and make it funny because I find humor in everything but I also know deep inside, the truth screams at me that I am a 30-Something Girl who was not good enough for him, not worthy of being pined after and protected. Did I agree to this reconciliation because I am terrified of being "damaged goods"? Who the hell knows. Oh well, who am I kidding now... I know.

The Life of a 30-Something Girl ain't what I thought it would be. Sigh... another day. It's time to play the game now.